My finger tips are holding onto the cracks of our foundation.

Im starting to find my little hole of happyness.

Ive been horrible to everyone. And im incredibly sorry. I ask only one thing, one thing i dont diserve completely, but one thing i ask in favor, i just want everyone to start over with me. As friends. Were all friends. "Everything will be okay", she says. And it will. Everything WILL BE OKAY. Were going to have a good school year, best friend or not. and a good summer is ahead of us. Maybe im in denial, but maybe..i like it. Maybe i wanna live in a fantasy, who knows? Ive learned im very difficult when it comes to change, just like she thinks she sucks at commitment. I have many things to be happy about, especially my family. They diserve a lot better than what ive been dishing out. I dont even know exactly what ive been angry about? So she didnt wanna be held back? WHO CARES. We can all be friend right? Ive finally realized everything she did. Because she did absolutely nothing. she just let us have a little break. A little break away as friends, before we ended up clawing each others eyes out. I completely respect her, and im kinda mad it took me this long to finally realize what her words meant. She gones, atleast i think so. Im the long run, i think we will be friends, "everything wil be fine", like she says. I know it will be. It has to be. I love all of my friends. After all, my finger tips are holding onto the cracks of our foundatiion.

Alive Again.

i wanted to tell you im MOSTLY OVER the whole Trisha thing. Im content now. BUT I let all my anger out on her and amber last night. I hope we can all be friends again and everything will go back to normal. If not i dont know what i will do. Im going to try to make it up to everyone and take reponsibility, no one deserved what i gave them the past weak. I treated everyone like crap. I just wanna be one big fun happy family. Because, Im Alive Again. If Trisha got her happy ending, i think its only fair for me to have mine.

There Red, There New, There filled with Sadness

I woke up this morning, and did what i had to do. I got dressed. And i put on my old red converse. Maybe i thought that if i had mine on, trish would want to put hers back on and we'd be friends again till the end. Maybe i didnt. You dont know. I walked around all day in those fricken incomfortalbe converse. Today i was a different person. I lashed out (not in control) at anyone i saw who associated with Trisha, and i left one of my best friends. Im ruined. Whether she cares or not. Should she? Atleast pretend is all i ask. I think thats desent enougj. Do i wanna take her up on her friend offer?Im not sure. I dont know. I guess i really really wanna be with her. But for the wrong reasons. I wanna be her friend, because i feel like i wanna pretend im in my old life, and pretend im her best friend. Its NOT like that anymore. And i THINK saying no to her was best. But im not sure at all? What you would do? Who every knows. tomorrow ill put on my red converse, walk out that door, and start again.

Her New Shoes, My New Life.

Once upon a time i thought of myself as those black converse. I was happy. Content is a word i would use. The shoes got drawn on, Our memories spralled accross the page. I was happy, but all along i should have know soon enouggh those beautiful paintings would be washed away someday. I try everything to make them work. I needed them, i needed her to walk. Once upon a time i thought of myself as those old black converse. But not im just worn out, Used, and thrown away. Today I now have a different intake on myself, the old converse. Because She got new shoes, and i got thrown away. My New life.

Today was like any other of my newly formed life.

I woke up at 3 in the morning to the poster my Trisha wrote for me, falling from the wall. I thought about how ironic is was that my poster was falling tonight after staying pinned to the wall for months. It made me cry. I dont consider myself weak, or atleast i try to convince myself im not. Everyone falls someday. I couldnt sleep so i watched T.V, and i didnt enjoy it. I walked to school alone in the snow, trying to pin point which shoes were Trishas marking, and what we would be saying if she was next to me as always. But she wasnt, and i had to tell myself that over and over. When i got to i sat down. Everything was....well okay i guess. People were conserned but i didnt care. Trisha walked in and everything hit me. I didnt want her to see me that way so i turned around and cryed to myself. The half day was slow, enough time to feel like two full school days. When i got out me and some..friends went to Empure walk and had some good laughs. I wasnt sure how i felt about laughing, I didnt know if it was the righ thing to do. I didnt feel like i should be happy, but i wanted so desperatly to laugh, so i continued. Kayla stayed at my house, and we talking about stuff. She had me in tears within minutes. I dont like being like this is makes me feel vulnerable, and weak minded. But i wanted the tears. Being sad is all too easy. after Kayla left. My dad came home and told me im not allowed to be sad at school, and jilian told me i was hideous. I went upstairs, alone. And sat there listening to my lastest myspace song over and over. It didnt help, but i wanted to feel the pain.I didnt feel like i diserved anything else. Tonight ive realized i really shouldnt be showing people the pain at school. Its not their burden to bear, and especially not Trishas doing to see me in tears. She shouldnt see that. So ill try my hardest to be better at school. Doing my work. and getting through the day, with no one by My side.

Without the old converse.

You know what? I dont eighterr...

Today was calm. I thought about a lot of sad things in my spare time. I really took a day to just be myself, and it was..nice. I just got home from a nice walk in this beautiful sunny neighborhood. I got home and now im uploading pictures of 2007-2008 to make a giant pretty scrapbook. And when i got home like usual i went onto myspace. And as usual i looked at my best friends blog. And i read it. And when i did, it gave my day soo much more meaning than before, Everything i thought about today spilled right out in her words. It hit me hard, and thats when i decided to write this blog right here.

Life is changing,

And its very sadening to think about. But at the same time you all know it'll change for the greater good. Lately i havent really had anything to be happy about. I go to school, and i sit there. And i go home, and i sleep. and go to school. I like life a lot, and i love my family and friends, but rlly, I dont have a reason to be here, and i hope soon ill be able to figure out a reason. Yea, trisha. You are changing, so am I. Maybe im the one your getting ready to hurt. Maybe I'm not. Eighter way, things will be different. I will change. and you will try to enjoy it. Because theres nothing anyone can do.

-Lindz-

Uhhg!

Soooo sick today. Bad headache. Im at my uncle right now. He only has like 100 computers lying around...My "family" is yelling at the tv. For some reason when a football player makes the wrong move, they feel its important to scream at the giant t.v in hopes that maybe the player will change their mind. I slept over Sam last night. It was wicked funny, and her room is bigger than mine. Thats a first, right? we took a lot of pictures, il have to check and see later if she put them up on myspace or something......

I dont like football. 

For one : There pants are the gayest excuse for an outfit in history, and number two, the government says that we have evolved, but then we have these creepy steriod men running around tackling each other in spandex. ?? What the hell??

-Well im out, sorry for wasted some of your time-

Linds